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Domoo
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 Posted: Tue May 25, 2010 11:10 pm Post subject: So I just started this story |
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Rate from a 1-10.
| Code: | | As I lay upon my bed waiting to drift into a deep slumber I can't shake off an uneasy feeling that has been pestering me through the day. This feel started when I was rummaging through a box of photographs. It was a particular photograph that caught my attention. This photograph was no regular photograph, it depicted a soldier in his army uniform in front of a Nazi concentration camp. What was rather peculiar about this photograph was the soldiers face. Whenever I moved away from the soldier's line of sight it would appear to frown as though it was alive. As soon as I noticed this, I dropped the photograph and run away as fast as I could. I thought about telling someone but what if they didn't believe me? I suppose I could show them the photograph as well, but maybe it was all in my mind.... |
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| MajjikelKitty wrote: | | imma pop a glock in your mouth and make a brain slushy |
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Moments
Grandmaster Cheater Supreme
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Joined: 20 Mar 2008
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| Posted: Tue May 25, 2010 11:22 pm Post subject: |
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| A plot thickens, but I can't rate much unless I see how it unfolds.
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Saucy.
How do I cheat?
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Joined: 19 May 2010
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| Posted: Tue May 25, 2010 11:24 pm Post subject: Re: So I just started this story |
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| MajjikelPuppy wrote: | | Rate from a 1-10. |
As far as the start goes, it all depends on how you take the story from here. Would have to see more.
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Domoo
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| Posted: Tue May 25, 2010 11:26 pm Post subject: |
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Is it a good start?
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| MajjikelKitty wrote: | | imma pop a glock in your mouth and make a brain slushy |
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Saucy.
How do I cheat?
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Joined: 19 May 2010
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| Posted: Tue May 25, 2010 11:28 pm Post subject: |
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| It's interesting, has potential.
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To0k
How do I cheat?
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Joined: 16 Nov 2007
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| Posted: Wed May 26, 2010 1:39 am Post subject: |
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tl;dr
stopped reading after | Quote: | | As I lay upon my bed |
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whisk
Grandmaster Cheater
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| Posted: Wed May 26, 2010 4:04 am Post subject: |
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Genre: Informal
Female = 119
Male = 590
Difference = 471; 83.21%
Verdict: MALE
Genre: Formal
Female = 83
Male = 330
Difference = 247; 79.9%
Verdict: MALE
Nic
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Saya
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| Posted: Wed May 26, 2010 5:55 am Post subject: |
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| sounds fancy.
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Domoo
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Joined: 23 Nov 2009
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| Posted: Wed May 26, 2010 6:47 am Post subject: |
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I must finish it, its going to be a short story.
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| MajjikelKitty wrote: | | imma pop a glock in your mouth and make a brain slushy |
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Spin 2 Win
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| Posted: Wed May 26, 2010 6:48 am Post subject: |
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lol
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Domoo
Advanced Cheater
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Joined: 23 Nov 2009
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| Posted: Wed May 26, 2010 12:53 pm Post subject: |
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BAMP.
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| MajjikelKitty wrote: | | imma pop a glock in your mouth and make a brain slushy |
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Waly
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| Posted: Wed May 26, 2010 2:43 pm Post subject: |
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I think that to make it somewhat more realistic, you should have the narrator try to prove himself wrong about the picture; it seems almost childish to have him run away because the picture seems to do such an odd thing.
Other than that, some minor grammatical errors.
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Domoo
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| Posted: Wed May 26, 2010 6:20 pm Post subject: |
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| MajjikelPuppy wrote: | | BAMP. |
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| MajjikelKitty wrote: | | imma pop a glock in your mouth and make a brain slushy |
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redslothx
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| Posted: Wed May 26, 2010 6:35 pm Post subject: |
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Serious reply not meant to bring you down:
-You're vague: State the feelings, state why something seems odd. When writing, the thoughts are in your head and the words make sense. When someone else is reading this, they don't know what's in your head.
-Your starting sentence was extremely corny and cliche: First thought was some cheap knock off from an E.A.Poe poem, then it dove into some sixth grader level writing paper with lack of variation in words.
-Your narrator's reaction: Dramatize him a bit. Don't overdo it or you'll make him look like an idiot like you did. Write about the reason for his fears more in depth.
-Overall problem: This makes no sense. Details are your best friends when writing a story.
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