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MapleStory.
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 Posted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 9:42 pm Post subject: First part of my book, plz 2 feedback |
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Alright, everyone. I'm writing a book. It'll be written from different people's points of view, first the neighbor, then the cop, then the cell mate, then the psychiatrist, you get the picture. Read this first exerpt, written by the fictional character Mrs Brown, to get a glimpse of what it's about. I know it's kind of bad, that's why I posted here, to IMPROVE it. Don't forget to give it a thumbsup/down. Also, I need a name for the book. It'll turn into a monster story, will xplain l8tr. Matt's innocent, a creature killed teh person. Plz and thx. I'd promise to +rep you, but I don't want to. Sry. Anyhoo, here it is.
PS: Should I put it in code, leave it in quote, or just put it in here?
| Quote: | Chapter 1: The Scene. Part 1: Mrs. Brown
So you want to know about Matt's case, huh? Well, I don't know much, but I'll tell you what I know. The rest... Well, the rest is anyone's guess, but you probably won't like what you find. I was at home, alone, at around ten and a half one night, when I heard it. It was this... Well, it was this startling, terrified, scream. It came from next door, outside of my kitchen window, from Matt's house, the Numan household. It was a woman's voice, and it sounded like... well, to put it gently, it sounded like she had seen more than a ghost. They tell me later that she screamed because she saw Matt with a knife, but I know that to be untrue. If he had been there with a knife, she would have laughed, and he would be the one screaming, probably something like 'mercy' or 'uncle', in just a few minutes. She had military training, and he was, well, not exactly the most graceful character. Anyway, there was the scream, that's what got my attention. I spilt my drink all over myself, I was that startled. It was a waste of good tea, and it near ruined my dear blouse. I got that dreadful thing on a trip from… Well, that's another story. After the scream, there was some rumbling, the sound of glass, then furniture, breaking. A few minutes passed, then another scream. It came from the same voice, but this time, instead of panic, this voice portrayed... pain. It was obvious something had... Well, it was obvious something had happened. I didn't hesitate; I went straight to the phone and dialed the police. I looked out through my window, towards my neighbor's house, where those two dreadful screams still echoed in my mind. I noticed the front door was closed tight, so it seemed unlikely that an intruder had caused all the fuss. I heard some more rumbling, then a loud crack, like the sound of wood breaking. I must have blinked, because I suddenly realized their front door was broken. It lay, in three pieces, out on the sidewalk. The fourth piece, now only a splintered fraction of the once solid oak door, was still clinging to the top hinge of the door frame, just hanging there. I can't imagine Matt, or any other poor creature, to be capable enough to do such a thing to such a solid piece of wood. It was about that time I heard sirens. They grew ever louder, closer to my residence. The police showed up, carrying guns they deliberately pointed towards the opening where the elaborate door once hung. A few of them rushed in, and I heard Matt's voice, a definite 'NO!', against the sound of an obvious struggle. At that time, as I found out later, they were trying to wrench him away from his wife's cold, lifeless body, a seemingly futile effort. A few more police officers rushed in, there was more struggling, at least from the sound of it, and Matt was finally brought outside. When I finally caught a glimpse of him, he was being forced into the back seat of a patrol car. He was... well, to put it mildly, he was in bad shape. It looked like he had fought a monster. His hair was matted up, his shirt was torn, blood leaking through the tattered remains of his clothing. It looked like... Well, it looked like that was the end for him. If he had gotten half a chance, I believe he would've ended it all, right then and there. A moment later, an ambulance pulled up, and they carried what was left of Matt's wife out into it. The ambulance and the patrol car pulled out at roughly the same time, and I could now see tears forming in Matt's eyes. He knew she was dead, and I knew that he was dead, if not on the outside. That was the last time I saw either of them, and I do hope that Matt gets out alright, but his chances aren't very great. I could never imagine Matt to do something like this, and you can't convince me that he really did. He loved his wife, and I believe he still does. They were both the greatest of neighbors, at least from this old woman's perspective. Now run along, now, I'm sure you have better things to do than to listen to me ramble on about things I never witnessed. Try to find out for yourself what really happened, and let me know if you ever do.
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Last edited by MapleStory. on Sat Oct 18, 2008 10:36 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Lego
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| Posted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 9:47 pm Post subject: |
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I'm too lazy to read it. It's midnight. 
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MapleStory.
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| Posted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 9:51 pm Post subject: |
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| Lego wrote: | | I'm too lazy to read it. It's midnight. |
Then why'd you post? Eh, read it later, then. I had no idea it was midnight, but I usually don't. I wrote that at two in the morning >.<
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Moments
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| Posted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 10:31 pm Post subject: |
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The beginning did not attach me- otherwise, great story.
I'll be expecting more.
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MapleStory.
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| Posted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 10:35 pm Post subject: |
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| That is not actually the begining, I have a narorator's PoV (point of view) to start with, briefly describing a scream, a pool of blood, and tears. It's kinda crappy, tho, so I just posted the gut of the story. Any tips on a good intro? I suck at intro's and conclusion's.
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Moments
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| Posted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 10:47 pm Post subject: |
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I suck at intro's also.
It was that one day Matt and his mother happened to be at the wrong place and wrong time, and it was that day that I never felt the same way again.
I suck D:
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MapleStory.
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| Posted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 10:52 pm Post subject: |
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That wouldn't even remotely work, and I should've posted more info. The woman is Matt's wife, the cops think he killed her, but a creature did it. Also, they are in their house, where they usually are. Later on, the monster will be revealed, and I'll end up killing it by encasing it inside it's cave with concrete. It's got the body of a horse, only with no skin or muscle. it's got horns, and a tail to resemble an alligator's. It's head is a dog's skull, only, like I said, with horns. It's got four claws on each of it's four feet, three in the front and one claw in the back. It's a skeleton, no skin, a little bigger than a horse, and constantly dripping blood. Sweet, huh?
EDIT: Also, in the next two chapters/parts, I go into more detail about Matt. Him and his wife fought the creature, his wife saved Matt, it killed her, and the sirens scared it off right before it was about to kill Matt too.
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Moments
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| Posted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 10:54 pm Post subject: |
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I told you I suck.
PS, I got a new Avatar :3
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MapleStory.
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| Posted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 10:56 pm Post subject: |
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Lol, wasn't bad, just didn't fit the story. You think the intro I mentioned a couple of posts up would work, the narrorator's (spelling sucks...) PoV as the intro, followed by the actual story?
Off topic, nice avvy. I think I'll steal it  (kidding...)
EDIT: Back on topic, in case you haven't noticed, I never gave the wife a name. I'm gonna avoid giving her a name throughout the whole book
Last edited by MapleStory. on Sat Oct 18, 2008 10:59 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Moments
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| Posted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 10:58 pm Post subject: |
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A creature....
Interesting.
I never really liked reading, but books like these get me hooked, and books with love stories involving death.
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MapleStory.
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| Posted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 11:00 pm Post subject: |
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I still need to decide what the creature'll be called. I was gonna go with shadowstalker, but that's too cleche and predictable. Also, I have NO IDEA what to name the book.
Off topic again, did you make your avatar or did someone else make it?
EDIT: back on topic, again, oh yes, there will be death. This creature's life span gets longer the more it cuts a life short. It kills someone who would die in twenty years, it gains twenty years to live. You can't kill the thing, it's gotta die by itself. I've already written it in where the thing catches a grenade in it's mouth and barely notices it. It's awesome. Will make a GREAT movie.
EDIT2: (again) by the way, the whole creature's skeleton is completely black, besides the crimson tint of the oozing blood of it's victims as it continually feeds off of their lifeblood, until it runs out and needs a new victim. It cut Matt's wife's life short by around five years, by the way. She had an undiscovered tumor.
EDIT3: Well, I'm off to bed. Cya l8tr.
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Drkgodz
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| Posted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 11:28 pm Post subject: |
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You keep on using well. It gets repetitive.
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MapleStory.
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| Posted: Sun Oct 19, 2008 6:01 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks, but that was the point. It highlights that Mrs. Brown doesn't quite enjoy retelling the story, is easily destracted, and looses her place easily. That in mind, should I fix it still?
(My spelling sucks >.<)
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cokefag
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| Posted: Sun Oct 19, 2008 11:29 pm Post subject: |
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| V-3 wrote: | | That is not actually the begining, I have a narorator's PoV (point of view) to start with, briefly describing a scream, a pool of blood, and tears. It's kinda crappy, tho, so I just posted the gut of the story. Any tips on a good intro? I suck at intro's and conclusion's. |
Matt had just stepped out of the strip club naked and heard a scream.
awesome intro amirite?
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