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halomasterce
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Saya
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Drkgodz
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 Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 9:05 pm Post subject: |
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1. Dude you gotta keep your tense.
| Quote: | | I’m biking down the driveway with my best friend Max when I saw something at the edge of my eye. “Max!” I called out to him. Max comes to a halt and slowly turns around and rides his bike slowly in my direction |
Bold is past-tense, Italics is present-tense.
2. Learn the difference between then and than.
| Quote: | | So I sit here in my science class more bored than ever since it is the last class of the day than we can all go home. |
It's supposed to be THEN. Also, the correct way to say that would be:
So I sit here in my science class, more bored than ever since it is the last class of the day and then we can all go home.
3. You have to indent every paragraph
| Quote: | | So I sit here in my science class more bored than ever since it is the last class of the day than we can all go home. |
4. Every time someone speaks, their is supposed to be a new paragraph
Okay, your story is really fucking annoying to read, because you keep on switching tenses.
All in all, no offense, but your story has so many errors it's annoying as hell. You capitalize the beginning of random words, and you don't know how to use 'when':
| Quote: | | So I just grabbed a bottle of soda and a cookie and walked into my room. I started doing my homework. When I realized I had forgotten my Math Textbook at school. |
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Saya
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| Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 9:52 pm Post subject: |
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| then dont read it? o-O and i never said i'd do story writing to a living i just do it for fun. o-o
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halomasterce
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Drkgodz
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 12:18 pm Post subject: |
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| halomasterce wrote: | Sorry, he's just helping you out. But Yeah you could keep it down with the flames 
We're going to create a forum soon (Don't worry, I won't advertise it here it'll be on the Top Writings Home Page)
So you can get all you can get help, so the flame could go down
Maybe even some inspiration for some ideas? Could work I guess.
Well the forum is necessary because the commenting is pretty annoying especially if your trying to say something :O
Oh yeah that last quote you did I kinda edited it
| Quote: | | I went to grab a bottle of soda and a cookie then I had walked into my room. I began to do my homework, Then I've realized I had forgotten my math textbook at school. |
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You made TopWritings?
And I wasn't flaming, I was pointing out all the things he did wrong.
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Oblivious
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 12:28 pm Post subject: |
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I love your story Drkgodz, great stuff.
Edit: Outcast
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halomasterce
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 1:02 pm Post subject: |
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Nope, I didn't make Top Writings. My Uncle did.
I'm just going to help him make the forum since he doesn't do pre-coded stuff...
he starts everything outta scratch
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Drkgodz
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Oblivious
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Drkgodz
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Oblivious
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 2:54 pm Post subject: |
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I'm terrible at narration, usually I write persuasive essays in school.
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halomasterce
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| Posted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 6:20 pm Post subject: |
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Chapter Five still in development, I've got some of it checked by DrkGodz, I'll add it soon once its completed, then revised.
::EDIT::
Chapter Five of The Voice of The Impure King has been completed
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